In A Bottle Of Sorrow
by flatfoot
Summary: Abandoned until further notice. [Gojyo x Hakkai]
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer:  
I do not own Saiyuki. I'm just borrowing the characters to create a story [which is owned by me] purely for fun and everyone else's pleasure.  
  
Author's Note:  
Okays, this is my second fic. Am trying to explore my "writing skills" further by creating chapters instead of one-shot stories [but I like one-shot stories... easier!! :þ] Though I like Sanzo, I find writing about Hakkai easier [yes, yes... I'm taking the 'easy' way out] I think everyone mostly does anyways [ie. write about Hakkai]. In the first chapter, there isn't much of a story... yet. No yaoi [yet], no love scenes [errm... yet :) ]. Just plain angst [if you think it is]. And so, here we go...  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
An unwanted painful sigh escaped from him. Barely audible under normal circumstances, but it was not the case this time. The night had been very silent. The air very still. The four of them shared a room, since there weren't anymore available at the inn they were in. One had been having trouble sleeping recently. The one who had unconsciously meeped, as he was about to doze off, only to be wide-awake once more.  
  
  
Hakkai clasped his mouth with one hand, to preclude from making any accidental sounds again. Slowly, he took a glance around him, checking on the other three. They were quietly sleeping, even for Goku who usually snored. Hakkai sighed again, but only in relief that none of them had been awake to witness it. Every night, the last couple of days, he'd spend more time thinking rather than restoring his energy for the tedious journey the next day. Thinking about the 'what if's and 'should have's. His past and his regrets. His Kanan.  
  
  
Shaking the recurring thoughts from head, he curled up his knees and brought his arms close to his chest. Hoping that it would bring him some comfort and perhaps fall asleep. Forcing his mind to concentrate on other less stressful and happier thoughts, Hakkai slowly drifted into yet another painful slumber.  
  
  
Directly opposite Hakkai, one scarcely opened crimson eye had been watching. Observing his friend's sad expression. Lips slightly curved downwards, black bags under his eyes more visible than ever. Gojyo too wasn't having much luck with sleep. His reason was simply because he didn't get a chance to spend the night with a pretty lady, to fulfill his neglected yearnings. 'Wonder how Hakkai manages to abstain from sex' he thought for a moment but promptly pushed it aside. Just like Hakkai, he too changed his position, facing away from the other, and tried to get some sleep.  
  
  
  
"Gonou... Gonou..." Kanan was calling him. Everything was dark, but he could still hear her voice calling to him. "Gonou... Hakkai... HAKKAI!"  
  
  
  
"Oi Hakkai... wake up!" Gojyo shook Hakkai shoulders trying to wake him up. Hakkai jolted up from his bed in confusion, realized it was another one of those dreams. Rubbing his eyes, he gave a quick reassuring smile to Gojyo and motioned to him that he was awake and need not worry. "C'mon... we gotta leave soon before that high and mighty monk of ours start his nonsense". Sitting still for a moment on his bed to gain back his composure, Hakkai shrugged the dream and everything else that'd been bothering him and headed for the bathroom. Hoping a shower could literally wash away the dream.  
  
  
Gojyo watched the brunette from the corner of his eye. Hakkai appeared a little stoned for a while before entering the bathroom. He'd almost walked into the wall next to the bathroom door. 'Ahh... what's bothering you my friend? Gotta interrogate him one of these days'. "Bakasaru, time to get up! Breakfast is waiting for you downstairs." Gojyo went to wake Goku up. "Haaa? Breakfast? What, what? Where?" Goku jumped out of his bed and quickly changed so that he didn't miss breakfast.  
  
  
  
  
"Ahhh.... hara hetta!! Na, Sanzo... is there any food left?" Goku whined at the back seat of the jeep. "Saru! We just had breakfast not two hours ago," Gojyo dumbfounded at the bottomless pit sitting next to him. Just like every other day, the two of them would bicker and shove, calling each other names. "Maa, maa! Goku. Gojyo. Why don't we calm down for a while? It won't be long before we stop for lunch," Hakkai said smiling to them.  
  
  
Their quarrels everyday, in a way, cheers his mood. Unfortunately, it can't be said the same for Sanzo, who's protruding vein at the corner of his forehead threatened to burst at any moment. "Hehe... Sankyu Hakkai!" the monkey bounced back to his seat, happiness gleaming in his eyes. Hakkai noticed Goku's ecstatic expression from the rear-view mirror and was amazed at how easily pleased he could be. If only he could simply feel the same.  
  
  
Gripping the steering wheel tighter, he quickly pushed aside the thoughts in his mind, the pain knotting in his chest... the tears that stung his eyes. Hakkai lowered his head, enough so that his hair covered any traces of his misery. He couldn't afford to let anyone know if there's something wrong. Especially not to Gojyo. 'Now's not the time to feel sorry for yourself. Stay focus!' he reminded himself.  
  
  
To his ill-timed luck, staying focus was something Hakkai's losing. The sleep, which he'd been deprived of, was finally taking its toll. Barely able to keep his eyes open, Hakkai's head fell forward, hitting the steering wheel. The rest of his body slumping lower in front of him. "Hakkai!" Gojyo yelled worriedly. The jeep was dangerously moving faster and faster, his foot pushing the accelerator. "K'SO!!" Sanzo roared, dumping his newspapers and immediately moving towards Hakkai. Hakuryu screeched hysterically, calling for its owner to take control again, but he was out cold.  
  
  
"Gojyo. Goku. Grab Hakkai and pull him to the back seat!" Sanzo barked the orders out angrily. The jeep was heading towards a river. Drawing closer and closer. "FASTER!" Gojyo locked his arms around Hakkai's body whilst Goku lifted his legs. Once removed from the driver's seat, Sanzo jumped behind the wheel and rammed his foot against the brakes. Hakuryu protested even louder due to the force and halted just a few inches from the river.  
  
  
Silence..... It all happened too fast, they were still trying to catch their breaths and figure out what'd just happened.  
  
  
"God damnit!! What the hell is wrong with you Hakkai? Couldn't you see... " Sanzo turned around to look at Hakkai, but found him lying limply against Gojyo, still unconscious.  
  
  
"Hey, give him a break, will ya?! Can't you see he's in bad shape? I think he's coming down with a fever," Gojyo exclaimed, touching his friend's forehead.  
  
  
"Gojyo, is he gonna be alright?" Goku asked quietly, looking rather worried.  
  
  
"Baka... he won't die that easily, if that's what you're asking," he replied, more calmly than before.  
  
  
  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
So what do you think so far? Should I bother continuing? Review please... ;) Thank you!! 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer:  
Standard rules. I don't own 'em *sniff*  
  
Author's Note:  
Thank you all for the reviews. Its very encouraging. Sorry if i took a lil long. Some of the ideas in this chapter kinda only came to me yesterday! Anonymous_Girl - interesting idea, but i don't think i'd be able to grant your request. Perhaps another fic? :þ  
  
Note:  
These 'lil things /* and */ is to state the begining and end of a dream. Stole that idea from one of those programming stuffs [some of y'all might notice] Forgot to put that in the first chapter though... hehee.. :)  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
It was already dark by the time they found a cave for shelter, discussed their new schedule for the moment, proceed with necessary steps for Hakkai's condition and finally later on settled in to sleep. Gojyo decided to stay up for the night to keep watch for any wondering youkai and also to monitor Hakkai's worsening condition. He couldn't have slept anyway, even if he'd tried. Sanzo and Goku slept parallel to each other, the small bonfire in between them. Hakkai on one of the remaining four sides with Gojyo.   
  
  
Sitting beside his lying body, Gojyo replaced the wet cloth, originally his bandanna, from Hakkai's forehead every now and then. 'How do you help a patient when the patient himself is the doctor?' Gojyo, looking at Hakkai's face covered with layer of sweat. Cheeks red in color, in contrast to his pale face. Gojyo had removed the other's shirt earlier on because it was heavily soaked in sweat. It was a good sign though, that he was sweating. Helps break the fever. His body had been burning up as his temperature refused to go down.  
  
  
Staring at his bare upper body, Gojyo studied the permanent scar left to haunt Hakkai of his past for the rest of his life. 'Looks like we're back at the same situation again, eh? Me taking care of you. At least this time it isn't in my bed!' Gojyo smirked remembering his conversation with Hakkai. How fate had brought them together. Brought Gojyo to find a practically lifeless man laying on the ground in the rain... his guts spilling out... but still greeted with a smile.  
  
  
The redhead reached to touch the mark on the brown-haired man's body, but jerked away when he heard the latter whimper in his sleep. It was just like the one he'd heard the previous night. Gojyo pulled the blanket up to Hakkai's shoulders and tucked it nicely under him, fearing he would start shivering. Removing the cloth again and squeezing the excess water, Gojyo wiped Hakkai's face. He must've repeated this series of actions 20 or 30 times already.  
  
  
Gojyo moved some of the sweat slicked hair from his friend's forehead and placed the back of his hand against it to check the current state of his temperature. "Still the same" he muttered aloud. He replaced his hand with the cloth and sighed. He then got up to wake his sleeping limbs, pins and needles biting his skin as he walked and also to have a smoke.  
  
  
Leaning against the wall at the entrance of the cave, Gojyo flicked his lighter a couple of times before finally lighting up his cigarette. He drew in a deep breath, sucking in the nicotine to calm his nerves, and then blew the smoke upwards into the sky. He noticed there weren't any stars visible. Just gray clouds blanketing any traces of the natural light the moon sometimes gave. 'Ch... Things just couldn't get any worse, could it?' Gojyo thought of how much two of his companions hated the rain. He sucked in another breath of smoke and threw the remainder of the cigarette onto the ground, crushing it with his heel.  
  
  
There were still many more hours left before dawn. Hoping that Hakkai's condition would improve by tomorrow, they'd planned to drive to the next town. Sanzo would be taking charge of the wheel of course. Gojyo glanced to the sleeping bodies around the dancing fire. Goku legs were all over the place. His blanket tangled up with his body, mouth opened wide... "...Snoring like a real irritating idiot," the kappa snorted. Sanzo on the other hand was sleeping like the dead. Perhaps not consciously dead, but his body never moved an inch since the time he lay down to sleep. His gaze then fell upon Hakkai's body. Nevertheless the same as he'd left him a couple of minutes ago, however, there was something unusual. Gojyo squinted harder at Hakkai's face and noticed it tremble and twitch. "What the heck?"  
  
  
/*  
  
A voice echoed through the darkness, crying out his name. "Gonou..." He walked towards the call of his former name. Blindly guessing from where it's coming from. "Gonou..." it echoed again followed by soft whimpering. Tall metal rails came to his view first. The light shining from one direction illuminated one side of the bars. He advanced his steps in the direction of the voice, breath quickening as he feared of what he might see. "Kanan?" he whispered timidly. He discovered an individual cowering on the ground behind the bars, her back facing him. "Kanan!" he exclaimed louder. Kneeling on the ground, he tried to reach for her, an arm stretched between the bars to touch her.  
  
Kanan turned around to look at him. Face soaked with tears. No smile present. Her eyes shooting daggers in his direction, she says, "Gonou... what took you so long? You see what you've done to me." His jaw dropped, words refused to form on his trembling lips. "How could you have not known I was in danger? How could you!! It's your fault I cannot bare to live anymore. ANYMORE!" she shrieked at him.  
  
"What? I-I'm sorry. Please... please f-forgive me!" he said, tears streaked down his cheeks. His arm still trying to reach for her, fingers grasping only air. She slapped his hand away from her. "Don't touch me you murderer!" In shock he sat there looking at her, hands gripping the bars tightly, trying to digest what had just happened.  
  
Suddenly a knife appeared in her hand. Holding it up to her neck she said in a coarse voice, "My soul died the minute I left the house, when you never suspected anything was wrong. My soul died when you didn't reply to my cries to you every single goddamn day I spent in here. My soul died when that youkai entered my body and left what was his in me. Now... you watch what's left of me die in front of your eyes."  
  
More tears fell from her eyes, sliding down her cheeks, then her chin and onto the blade of the knife pressing against her neck. "Stop. No please Kanan... NO!!" he yelled, trying to get a hold onto her once again but failing to do so. "Have a nice life... Gonou!" she stated coldly and then slit her own neck.  
  
*/  
  
  
Gojyo looked down at Hakkai's terrified face. Eye balls moving from side to side rapidly under his eyelids. Tears streaming down his eyes to the sides of his face, pooling at his ears. Worried, Gojyo held Hakkai's shoulders, shaking him gently to wake him up from what looked to him like a nightmare. "Hakkai... Hakkai!" he whispered loudly.   
  
  
Hakkai jerked up suddenly into Gojyo's arms, trying to reach for something in front of him. Something that was there a few seconds ago that he couldn't get a hold on. His chin over Gojyo's shoulders, Gojyo held him up, rubbing Hakkai's back gently trying to calm him down. Eyes bulging out from its sockets, heart pounding wildly beneath his chest, Hakkai was unable to control himself. A minute passed by and he still couldn't catch his breath. He started to wheeze, odd sounds coming from him. Gojyo kept assuring Hakkai that "things were gonna be alright" and that "it was only a dream" in a soothing voice.  
  
  
Burying his head into Gojyo's chest, Hakkai wept. Gripping his vest tighter, he pulled Gojyo closer to him. "Its... its all my f-fault!" Hakkai stammered. "Its all my fault that... that... that she died" he continued to weep again. Rocking him in his arms, Gojyo could only remind him that things were okay now, in the present. That he shouldn't blame himself for something he couldn't have possibly done.  
  
  
"Oi Hakkai! Get a grip of yourself!" a stern voice pierced through Hakkai's sobs. Literally slapping him out of his crying trance, Hakkai eventually calmed down. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he looked up at Sanzo who was behind Gojyo and apologized. Sniffling some more, he smiled at Gojyo and apologized as well for making a mess of his clothes. "No worries, you'll just have to wash them tomorrow or something" Gojyo replied. Sanzo grunted softly to indicate that his part was over and went back to sleep.  
  
  
Hakkai reclined into his pillow gazing up at Gojyo. "Don't worry Hakkai. It's not your fault. At least, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure Goku doesn't as well. Now get some rest... its another full day tomorrow and you need to get better if we're ever gonna get a nice place to sleep." Gojyo looked at puffy green eyes, much calmer than it was a while ago. Looking back at clear crimson ones, Hakkai reached to stroked Gojyo's face lightly with his finger. "Thank you" he whispered. Falling back to sleep, Hakkai was a little more peaceful and tired as well.  
  
  
Gojyo watched him take a deep breath but only to release it raggedly. Until he finally did sleep did Gojyo turn around to look at Sanzo. Sanzo just glared at Gojyo. Looks sometimes spoke more than words itself. They definitely needed to be more cautious around Hakkai, and perhaps help him in some way. The monk grunted, rolling over to his other side. Goku was still in the same messy position as though nothing had happened. Gojyo lied onto the ground, hands cradling underneath his head, next to Hakkai... just in case.  
  
  
  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
Hmm... This chapter kinda sucks... sorry!  
Now all i gotta do is think of what to write next :p  
Review are most appreciated! Let me know how i'm doing so far.  
Thanks! :) 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer:  
Don't own 'em!  
  
Author's Note:  
This chapter was written mostly inspired/accompanied whilst listening to Houran No Himitsu from Saiyuki. If you can, try to get a hold on the song. Really nice!   
  
Sorry if the characters seem OOC [out of character]. I'm trying my best to keep them the way they are.  
  
Don't know if I should change the rating though. But anyways... on with the story.  
  
~~~  
  
  
  
  
Sanzo being the driver, Hakkai took his place behind with Gojyo so that if needed to, he could rest more comfortably. The other reason was also to prevent Gojyo and Goku to launch into another one of their rackets. Gojyo told Hakkai that if he needed to, he could lie down but refused. "Iie, Gojyo!" he would reply smiling sheepishly. "Seriously, I'm fine. You've done more than enough for me. I think it is you who needs rest since you hadn't any proper sleep". Sanzo occasionally scrutinized on the two of them through the mirror. At one point, he couldn't stand the little coy game they were playing. Whether or not they were aware, he thought of it as plain pathetic. "Ahem..." Sanzo cleared his throat silencing the two of them. Goku as usual was oblivious to what was happening.  
  
  
Throughout their journey, Hakkai spent most of his time staring at the passing scenery, quietly drowning himself in his own thoughts. Sporadically he'd close his eyes to regain his strength, napping until at one point or another he was woken up by one of the two 'juveniles'. Goku, whining about his empty stomach, only to be quieted each time by Sanzo's paper fan. As for Gojyo, he screeched at the near deaths he was experiencing when Sanzo almost collided into trees and huge boulders. Complaining at how inexpertly he was handling the jeep.  
  
  
When Sanzo couldn't take anymore of Gojyo's constant nagging, he stopped the jeep and proceeded to whack Gojyo with his paper fan. Not satisfied, Sanzo pulled out his gun and aimed at Gojyo's head. He shot once purposely missing his ear by an inch and said, "The next one will go through you head if you don't keep your fucking comments to yourself!" Goku only instigated the situation even more by teasing Gojyo. Hakkai watched them fight through blurry eyes. His head was now throbbing from all the noise. He requested his friends to stop arguing but no one seemed to be listening. With no other way out, he quietly asked Hakuryu to transform back into his little dragon form.  
  
  
With one 'Kyu' accepting his orders from his master, Hakuryu changed; all four of them fell to the ground. "Oww... why did you do that for Hakkai?" Goku rubbed his aching bottom. Sanzo and Gojyo furiously glared at Hakkai. "Sanzo coulda pulled the trigger 'accidentally' and shot my frikin' head you know that??" Gojyo yelled. "Gomen nasai... ", Hakkai replied without any effort, plastering his famous smile. He rubbed that back of his head with one hand and explained, "I had no choice seeing as none of you were listening to me. And because I didn't have enough strength to shout... I had to resort to other measures," he grinned at them, trying not to show how much his head was hurting him to speak.  
  
  
Sanzo dusted the sand off his robes as he got up. "Let's go!" he ordered. Violet eyes burning with anger, his lips pressed together into one thin line. Hakuryu immediately transformed back into the jeep. Hakkai wobbly trying to stand, blood gushed to his head causing him to see stars. He almost lost his grip and fell whilst climbing into the jeep only to be saved when a hand caught hold of his, pulling Hakkai back into the jeep. He looked surprisingly at Gojyo and thanked him in return. For the rest of the trip the foursome kept quiet, allowing Hakkai to rest slouching in his own seat. He knew that Sanzo was disappointed in him, after all the trouble he'd caused them. Their journey was delayed more than enough as it is. He had really done it after the last stunt he pulled, asking Hakuryu to transform without giving any prior notice to the rest.  
  
  
With the Gods on their side, for once at least, it didn't rain as Gojyo predicted it to be. However, it wasn't a sunny day either. Just clouds, clouds and more clouds following them, threatening to rain at anytime. It took them the entire day to finally reach the next town. Once checked in, Hakkai wished his traveling mates good night and headed straight for the bedroom he and Gojyo shared for that night. Hakkai yearned for a comfortable bed, to ease his tensed and aching muscles. Knowing what's best for him, Hakkai plopped onto his bed. With only enough strength to remove his shoes, he curled up and knocked out instantly. Falling into a dreamless sleep.  
  
  
Downstairs in the inn's diner was Goku, Gojyo and Sanzo. Filling up his stomach to his heart's content, Goku was bloated with almost all the food they ordered. He burped to announce that he was finished, Goku made his and his bulging stomach's way up to his room. Gojyo and Sanzo barely ate, most of the time Sanzo looked at Gojyo suspiciously. "What are you and your droopy eyes looking at?" Gojyo took a drag from his cigarette and blew it into Sanzo's face. The monk turned his gaze away and looked at the inviting bar. He didn't answer Gojyo's question, but instead got up and made his way to have a drink. Gojyo joined him a while later, sitting two seats away from Sanzo. The two of them quietly drank and smoked the next couple of hours away, occupying their time in their own thoughts.  
  
  
"Hey!" a slightly blushing monk had moved to sit next to Gojyo. "What?" Gojyo eyes now half-lidded. Sanzo didn't reply but asked the bartender to pour him another drink. Another hour passed with only the two of them left in the bar... still drinking. "You have a... thing for Hakkai?" the monk suddenly asked. "Huh?" Gojyo asked in a daze. Sanzo pulled out a cigarette and placed it between his lips. Looking blindly for his lighter, Gojyo flicked his own in front of Sanzo, waiting for him to light it. Sanzo took a drag from his cigarette and pursued with his question.  
  
  
"Do you have feelings for him, you stupid *hic* kappa? Such an easy question you can't even understand," Sanzo asked irritably.  
  
"I'm not stupid okay! That's what your pet is there for. I know what you meant, just... " Gojyo stopped midway of his sentence, unsure of what he was going to say.  
  
"Just what? Didn't think I'd notice?" Sanzo hiccupped again and was now swaying in the barstool.  
  
"What's it to you anyway? Even if I 'did' have anything for him... " Gojyo sighed. "It's not like he would return my... Why am I telling a corrupt monk this for?"  
  
  
Sanzo closed his eyes as he fell off his seat. Gojyo quickly caught him and lifted him up. Placing one hand around the monk's waist and one of the other's hands around his own neck, Gojyo dragged Sanzo up the stairs. Muttering to himself about how monk's can be so stupid sometimes. "Can't even control his liquor... and then ask me stupid questions. Shit! Damn you Sanzo." Sanzo groaned back at him sleepily.  
  
  
After placing Sanzo on the bed next to Goku, Gojyo closed their room door and leaned against it for a moment. Thinking about what Sanzo had said. "Ch..." He made his way to the room he shared with Hakkai. He opened the door, squeaking as it moved and quickly closed it quietly. He turned around hoping he didn't wake his friend up, but saw him sitting on his bed, staring at the window outside. It had started to pour.   
  
"Oh, you're awake!" Gojyo walked towards Hakkai's bed and sat down next to him.   
  
Startled at the voice, he answered Gojyo with a smile, "Yes, I had been sleeping for quite awhile now. In fact, I have been sleeping almost the whole day and now I feel quite restless."  
  
  
Gojyo had many questions for him. He wondered what had happened the last couple of days. Why he had such a nightmarish dream. What was his dream? Why did he say it was his fault when he clearly knew it wasn't? However, the redhead just sat there silently. He didn't know where to begin. Or even how to begin in the first place.   
  
  
"What's wrong?" he asked finally.  
  
"Hmm? Nothing!" saying it as though he'd practiced that line a couple of hundred times.  
  
"Stop playing games with me. I know you too well... besides, I would have to be blind if I didn't notice something's been brewing in your mind"  
  
"....." Silent. He sat silently not moving, not blinking... perhaps not even breathing.  
  
"Hey? You heard me didn't you?!" he pressed on.  
  
"....." Silent again.  
  
Gojyo rolled his eyes, then got up to stand in front of Hakkai. Hands on his hips, he tapped his foot impatiently, indicating that he was waiting. His anger building. Gojyo had a very short temper, hence why he could act really childishly with Goku at times. "Is it really that difficult for you to-"  
  
"I'm sorry Gojyo... " He looked up at the other seriously "I just... can't!"  
  
"I can't believe this. I just can't believe this!" he raised his voice a little. "Fine. Wonder why should I even bother with you sometimes. Some friendship we have going on here isn't it. I hate it when you do this to me!" Gojyo stomped his way out of the room, slamming the door behind him in rage.  
  
  
"You've really done it this time. First Sanzo, now Gojyo. Who's next? Goku? You stupid idiot" Hakkai spoke to the empty room, quietly smiling to himself. But it wasn't a happy smile. Nor was it the fake ones he wore constantly. It was a smile mocking his stupidity. He felt a knot in his throat; his chest and shoulders grow heavier. He knew Gojyo wouldn't stay mad at him forever. He knew once the tensed air around them died; Gojyo would eventually behave as though nothing had happened. Even though he has done this to him a couple of times before, how many more times will Gojyo leave him off the hook? How many more times would they have to go through this before their friendship take a turn for the worse? How many more times is he going to hurt his friend until it's too late?  
  
  
  
Upon reaching the front door of the inn, Gojyo grab the knob and jerked the door open roughly, only to be greeted with the slight showers of the rain that flew in his direction. "Damn it!" he muttered. He needed to go for a walk, to get away and blow off some steam. He stepped out into the porch looking around him, the shop sitting opposite the inn a few meters away barely visible. Clenching his hand into a ball, he punched one of the brick walls protecting the inn's front. The paint and cement cracked, crumbling to the floor. He slammed the same fist again, dangerously creating more cracks. Afraid the wall would collapse if he continued, he stopped. Only realizing later the pain that started to crawl up his arm. The skin on his knuckles split, blood trickled from the cuts mixing with the dust particles originally from the now vandalized wall.  
  
  
Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, Gojyo sat on the steps that lead into the inn, his shoes drenching from the long continuous droplets of the rain than ran from the edge of the roof. He placed his wounded hand under one of the thin streams, flinching as the cool water washed away the traces of blood, at the same time numbing the pain with its coolness. Placing his hands on either side of his head, he stared down at the floor between his legs. Watching the drops of rain bounce in random directions.   
  
  
He thought about Hakkai. The way he always hid behind a mask. Smiling that idiotic smile every time, covering up his true feelings. Gojyo hated it with a vengeance. Gojyo never demanded anything from Hakkai. He never needed to. Even though he'd taken him in, given him back a life he didn't want and more, he still never asked Hakkai for any favors. He couldn't blame him though. Hakkai never asked to be rescued either.  
  
  
On tear escaped his eye, joining the rest of the tears the sky shed. He gritted his teeth, feeling the anger pass over him again. Chest and face hot with fury, regardless of the coldness he was in. He struck the side of the same fist against the pillar next to him. This time more tears flowed from the corner of his eyes. It wasn't tears from the pain he inflicted upon himself. But a pain that hurt deeper. A pain that pierced through his heart like a knife slicing it every time he thought about it. Every time he wondered why his friend never fully trusted him. 'What does it take?' he pondered.  
  
  
He couldn't hate Hakkai forever. Actually, he couldn't hold any grudges towards him for long. No matter how much his best annoyed him at times, he still had a soft spot for him. He is still his best friend. Someone he confides his feelings and problems with more than anyone before. The last thing he'd wanted was to have another argument with him. Especially not in his current vulnerable condition. All Gojyo wanted was to prove that he was capable of being 'there' for him. To be Hakkai's crying shoulder, albeit giving advice wasn't his forte. Maybe it was just an excuse for Gojyo. "Yeah, maybe it's just an excuse to prove to myself I'm worth something to someone" he sighed at his pathetic self.  
  
  
He thought about his past. About his stepmother. How he had tried everyday to please her but was only scolded in return. Her tears flowing, showing him how much he pained her. He tried to prove to her that he wasn't as bad as she thought he was. Giving her flowers, helping her in the kitchen... asking her for forgiveness for mistakes he never knew he made. He spent days wallowing in his own sorrow whenever she scolded him for no apparent reason. 'Probably for living. Yeah, I should've just died that day. Woulda made her life less miserable. Made the whole world a better place to live in, short one useless person.'  
  
  
Gojyo looked at the rain falling above him, his eyes welling up with tears again. He couldn't believe how pathetic he could be. It wasn't like him to lose control over his emotions. Gathering whatever courage he had left, he got up and walked into the rain. He was going to settle his problem whether he liked it or not. Besides, he couldn't go back to his room after what had happened. Gojyo yawned expansively. "Yet another night without sleep... heh!" he said to no one in particular, the corner of his lips curving slightly up. Hands in his pockets, head hanging low, he looked at his feet and a few inches beyond it while he walked aimlessly.  
  
  
  
Hakkai followed behind Gojyo quietly from a fair amount of distance in the rain, not wanting the other to notice that he was there. Guilt overcame him soon after Gojyo angrily left the room. He felt the need to apologize, to say he was sorry for being selfish. He'd overheard the redhead at the front porch steps. Confessing his need to substantiate himself. Hakkai was blind enough not to notice how much he meant to his friend. It upset him to watch his frustrated friend mutilate his hand, and also the wall. To watch him cry, not knowing what the exact reason was. He'd never seen him done that in all the time he knew him. He always thought of Gojyo as strong and very capable of handling his equanimity... unlike him.  
  
  
  
Thunder shook the air around him, causing him to shudder under the rain. His long crimson hair covered the sides of his view, just like a horse with blinders [1]. Eyes still mainly focusing on the muddy ground. His mind lost deep in his own world, he didn't realize that he was now shivering uncontrollably. That his arms had unconsciously wrapped his own body, holding on to any body heat left from escaping, shoulders squeezed closer towards his neck. Carelessly unaware of his surroundings, he walked past a youkai hiding behind the wall of one of the shops. Obscure of it's presence.  
  
  
The youkai jumped out and landed behind Gojyo. Holding a sword in one hand, it was about to strike the half-youkai. Hakkai who was now only a few meters away saw the youkai and shouted for Gojyo to look out. Gojyo snapped out from his inattentiveness and turned around, only to be received with a blade piercing through his stomach. His eyes widened in shock, gasping for air from the sudden attack. The youkai pulled the sword out of him and was ready to strike again. Gojyo clutched his wounded front and fell to the ground on his knees, coughing out blood as he staggered to breath.  
  
  
Hakkai ran towards them, shouting Gojyo's name as he formed a Ki ball between his palms and launched it just before the youkai. The youkai disintegrate into dust particles in front of crimson eyes, he saw his friend run to his aid before collapsing onto the ground, almost losing all consciousness.  
  
"Gojyo... Gojyo!! Daijobou desu ka? Gojyo! Can you hear me?" the green-eyed man shouted over the loud sounds of thunder and rain.  
  
Gojyo coughed some more blood in reply.  
  
"I'm sorry Gojyo. It's my fault. If it wasn't for me... Hold on. I'll get you back to the inn!" Hakkai managed to say in the midst of panicking. He lifted Gojyo in his arms and quickly headed back for the inn. "Please hang in there. Please... for me!" he whispered into the injured man's ear.  
  
Gojyo smiled slightly at the man carrying him, holding in the urge to cough up the blood gurgling in his throat. "Don't... worry..." he told him before his face twisted in pain again. Gojyo clutched the wound, trying to tolerate the pain but passed out in his friend's arms.  
  
  
  
  
To be continued...  
  
  
  
  
~~~  
Note:  
[1] - blinders. I think that's what its called. It's a pair of leather flaps attached to a horse's bridle to curtail side vision.  
  
  
I sort of uploaded this chapter previously, but removed it and re-did the ending. Hope its better! Pls review. Thanks 


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